Friday, September 10, 2010

Armor, Flaws, and Testimony

My mind has been going crazy lately. I feel as if I've had more changes than usual in my life. It is crazy. But the three things that have occupied my mind the most are armor, flaws, and testimony.

I wear so much armor and I can't figure out why I protect myself so much. Honestly, I feel as if I don't let people know the real me. People usually only see the strong Becky, but I am a complete squish. Really, I hate being tenderhearted, but my only other option is to be hardhearted. I feel too much and show my feelings too little. I don't want to keep people out, but I am too scared to really let them in. This really is something I need to work on.

I am so flawed. I don't like not being perfect. When I make a mistake, I feel so bad. I am constantly recognizing things I could improve on, but it seems like I do little to improve. This is difficult because I really do try. I know I could be quieter and more tactful, but I fail every time I try to be these things. I really am a shy person, so I don't know why I struggle with these things. Maybe they are part of my armor. I may never know.

Don't get me wrong, I know the church is true and I am loved by my Heavenly Father. However, I feel as if my testimony could be so much stronger. I really want to work on strengthening my testimony. Not that it is weak, but I know it could be so much stronger. I have truly felt Heavenly Father's love for me recently. However, I often feel so inadequate and undeserving of such a pure love. This isn't how I should be feeling. It is comforting to know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way. There are multiple examples of prophets feeling the same way in the scriptures. I also know that this isn't the way my Heavenly Father would want me to feel. I really want to become perfect, even as his son Jesus Christ. I know I can, but it isn't such an easy thing to do.

1 comment:

Sandra said...

Beck, I really appreciated this! Seriously, I love when people blog with pure emotion and honesty and that is what this is. All I know is that life is tough! Real tough. We try to figure it out and we fail most of the time. You are a strong girl. And you will figure it all time.
I love you and can't wait to see your smiling face at my wedding. It wouldn't have been the same without you there. Love you little sis!