I wear so much armor and I can't figure out why I protect myself so much. Honestly, I feel as if I don't let people know the real me. People usually only see the strong Becky, but I am a complete squish. Really, I hate being tenderhearted, but my only other option is to be hardhearted. I feel too much and show my feelings too little. I don't want to keep people out, but I am too scared to really let them in. This really is something I need to work on.
I am so flawed. I don't like not being perfect. When I make a mistake, I feel so bad. I am constantly recognizing things I could improve on, but it seems like I do little to improve. This is difficult because I really do try. I know I could be quieter and more tactful, but I fail every time I try to be these things. I really am a shy person, so I don't know why I struggle with these things. Maybe they are part of my armor. I may never know.
Don't get me wrong, I know the church is true and I am loved by my Heavenly Father. However, I feel as if my testimony could be so much stronger. I really want to work on strengthening my testimony. Not that it is weak, but I know it could be so much stronger. I have truly felt Heavenly Father's love for me recently. However, I often feel so inadequate and undeserving of such a pure love. This isn't how I should be feeling. It is comforting to know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way. There are multiple examples of prophets feeling the same way in the scriptures. I also know that this isn't the way my Heavenly Father would want me to feel. I really want to become perfect, even as his son Jesus Christ. I know I can, but it isn't such an easy thing to do.