Saturday, September 25, 2010

Dear Sandra, With Love

I have been contemplating our phone conversation the other day. You know, the one where you bluntly told me that I need to stop looking for the perfect man and start looking for the man that is perfect for me. Here is my official response:

It is much easier to look for a perfect man. Why? Because perfect is easily defined: attractive, strong (bulging biceps and all), smart, ambitious, great kisser, potential to be a great father one day, fun, outgoing, ability to love me even when I am crazy, loves sunsets and stargazing, clean, smells good all the time, makes me laugh, and can have intelligent arguments with me one minute and make me giggle like I am five the next. I am sure I could add many, many more things to my list. However, this is not addressing the issue. I am absolutely positive there are very few, if any, men who are deserving of the title perfect.

The issue is that I have no clue what the perfect man for me is like. I cannot define him. I don't think I can define him without getting to know him first. Maybe I should take the time to get to know myself better as well. Getting to know him and myself are both very scary things. I don't want to take the chance to get to know him. For taking that chance means chancing rejection. I have had enough rejection to last me for a lifetime. But even worse, what if as I get to know myself I find myself so flawed that I begin not to like myself?

Thus, I think I will maintain my stance that I should be overly picky and look for the perfect guy. It is easier and seems to be much less risky.

Love Always,

Saturday, September 11, 2010

"Where were you when the world stopped turning?"

Nine years ago our lives were forever changed. It is crazy that time passes so quickly. As I contemplate 9/11 I can't help but to wonder where the families of those who died that day are today. Then, I think of the fallen soldiers that have been fighting for our rights. It is so easy to take our lives and our rights for granted. This is a day that I believe I will always solemnly remember that people continue to fight and perish so I can listen to my favorite radio station or pray to my God.

Growing up, I never believed I would experience something as "big" as 9/11. During elementary school I was prompted to ask the older generations about The Great Depression or Vietnam War. My nieces, nephews, and other children will ask me about 9/11. I will provide them with my story. No one who was alive and old enough to remember will forget where they were on 9/11. The nation's eyes were glued to the news coverage.

It is my prayer that we remember those who lost their lives and continue to do so. I also hope that we will be able to share our story of 9/11 with future generations. This is my plan! Then I will boldly stand and say, "I'm proud to be an American!"

Friday, September 10, 2010

Armor, Flaws, and Testimony

My mind has been going crazy lately. I feel as if I've had more changes than usual in my life. It is crazy. But the three things that have occupied my mind the most are armor, flaws, and testimony.

I wear so much armor and I can't figure out why I protect myself so much. Honestly, I feel as if I don't let people know the real me. People usually only see the strong Becky, but I am a complete squish. Really, I hate being tenderhearted, but my only other option is to be hardhearted. I feel too much and show my feelings too little. I don't want to keep people out, but I am too scared to really let them in. This really is something I need to work on.

I am so flawed. I don't like not being perfect. When I make a mistake, I feel so bad. I am constantly recognizing things I could improve on, but it seems like I do little to improve. This is difficult because I really do try. I know I could be quieter and more tactful, but I fail every time I try to be these things. I really am a shy person, so I don't know why I struggle with these things. Maybe they are part of my armor. I may never know.

Don't get me wrong, I know the church is true and I am loved by my Heavenly Father. However, I feel as if my testimony could be so much stronger. I really want to work on strengthening my testimony. Not that it is weak, but I know it could be so much stronger. I have truly felt Heavenly Father's love for me recently. However, I often feel so inadequate and undeserving of such a pure love. This isn't how I should be feeling. It is comforting to know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way. There are multiple examples of prophets feeling the same way in the scriptures. I also know that this isn't the way my Heavenly Father would want me to feel. I really want to become perfect, even as his son Jesus Christ. I know I can, but it isn't such an easy thing to do.