This thing called life...

Life is crazy. I never know what to say or when to say the things I want to say. It is hard to know what I will or won't regret until I take a certain action. A lot of times, I feel like I am walking in the dark. I don't like walking in the dark. Life is too short to be filled with regrets, but how will I know what I will regret until after I have done or said something?

I feel like I used to be a lot more confident in my decision making skills. Now, I feel like I am the worst at making decisions. I think I used to think more with my head and now I think more with my heart. I hate that. My heart allows me to hope for things when I shouldn't always hope for them. It is my hope that life will magically work out. It takes more than hoping to live a fulfilling life.

I have been having a super hard time thinking about this semester coming to an end. Two of my good friends will be graduating and leaving. I have a fear of being alone when they move home. The solution would be to make more friends now, but I don't want to. I want to soak up every moment I can with these amazing friends before they leave. The problem is, life happens and time flies. Before you realize it, you are out of time and you haven't gotten all the things you wanted to accomplish accomplished.

In my head it all boils down to priorities. I understand that school and family should takes highest priority. But, I would like to make it high up on other peoples priority list, especially when I make them high on my list. Does that make me high maintenance? I sometimes feel guilty for this having particular mindset.

That's my life. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, but I am also confused. That doesn't make me happily confused. I think it makes me more naive than anything.

The Life I Love

Life has been crazy busy for me. I wake up, go to school, and then go to the library. At last, I get to go home and go to bed. However, I find myself extremely happy! Why? I really have no clue. The boy I like doesn't like me back, I don't always get my way, school is overwhelming, and sometimes I feel like I am barely making it. What can you do though? Maybe, I have finally come to understand how to accept all the chaos and uncertainty life brings. Maybe, I stay so busy that I have less time to think. Maybe, I have chosen not to let other people's choices negatively affect me. Maybe, I have learned that it is okay that I am not perfect. Maybe, I am finally really okay with the way my life is turning out. I don't know the cause, but I truly am happy.

I miss my family back home a ton. I am excited to see them all at Sandra's wedding. I really am so happy for Sandra. It will be fun to get to know Brent a little better when I go home. I am excited to see all the kids when I go home as well. Those little munchkins bring so much joy in my life. I have to get enough love to last me at least a year every time I see those kids. I have been doing a service practicum at a pre-school lately. I have fallen in love with those little kids as well, even if they are bad...and I mean really, really bad! I get to student teach next summer. I really am excited to work with the kids. I love them so much. It is amazing how much joy those little squirts can bring into your life.

Other than that, I am just living my life. We had our first snow in Rexburg this week. I am not excited about the winter, but it must come eventually. I smile because I think this will be my last winter here in Rexburg. However, I know I will miss this town so much. I really am doing okay here. I'll admit, I get homesick at times and wish I had my Charity here, but I have the most amazing friends in the world. They have no clue how much they have positively influenced my life and sadly I am too prideful to let them know the full effect they have had on my life. Yes, sometimes they make me so mad, but they are willing to deal with my crazy, and I love them for that.

This is my life...and I love it. I only have short period of time left in this season of my life. Soon, it will be time to move to another season. It is scary not knowing what that season is or where it will for sure take place, but I trust that my Heavenly Father knows better than me. It truly is comforting when you learn how to truly put your trust in him. Honestly, I don't know how much I really trust him with my life, but I am learning how to trust him more and more everyday.

More Facts

I wrote 26 things you might not know about me for my 26th birthday. Now, I am just writing more random facts about me for the fun of it. Enjoy!

1) I love to star gaze and cuddle. It would be amazing to do this as a date with someone I care about.
2) Tootsie Roll pops rock my world. I can successfully eat them without biting them most of the time.
3) I often dream of falling in love and being loved in return. When I wake up I am disappointed that my dream had to end. In reality, I am not sure I will really ever find someone to fall in love with that will love me back.
4) I can't wait to have kids! They are adorable. I think being a woman is great.
5) When no one is home, I run around in my undies or without clothes.
6) Sometimes I cry for the most ridiculous reasons.
7) I am paranoid and insecure. I hope for the best and usually assume the worst.
8) I love a good pedicure. I feel like such a girl when my nails are actually done and look nice.
9) Pizza is one of my favorite foods!
10) I fear I might not be a successful teacher.
11) I collect books. I really do love them and try to read often.
12) I care way to much about what other people think.
13) The library may or may not be my official second home.
14) I am shy.
15) I have a ton of walls up. When I get scared, paranoid, sad, feel vulnerable, or start feeling a little insecure I put up even more walls.
16) Part of the reason I fear the unknown so much is because I fear failure so much.
17) My family is the best. They rock my world.
18) If my life were a movie, it would be a comedy.
19) I have a hard time using commas appropriately.
20) I still wouldn't want to know if I had one more day to live.

There are 20 new facts about me. Hope you enjoyed.

Dear Sandra, With Love

I have been contemplating our phone conversation the other day. You know, the one where you bluntly told me that I need to stop looking for the perfect man and start looking for the man that is perfect for me. Here is my official response:

It is much easier to look for a perfect man. Why? Because perfect is easily defined: attractive, strong (bulging biceps and all), smart, ambitious, great kisser, potential to be a great father one day, fun, outgoing, ability to love me even when I am crazy, loves sunsets and stargazing, clean, smells good all the time, makes me laugh, and can have intelligent arguments with me one minute and make me giggle like I am five the next. I am sure I could add many, many more things to my list. However, this is not addressing the issue. I am absolutely positive there are very few, if any, men who are deserving of the title perfect.

The issue is that I have no clue what the perfect man for me is like. I cannot define him. I don't think I can define him without getting to know him first. Maybe I should take the time to get to know myself better as well. Getting to know him and myself are both very scary things. I don't want to take the chance to get to know him. For taking that chance means chancing rejection. I have had enough rejection to last me for a lifetime. But even worse, what if as I get to know myself I find myself so flawed that I begin not to like myself?

Thus, I think I will maintain my stance that I should be overly picky and look for the perfect guy. It is easier and seems to be much less risky.

Love Always,
Becky

"Where were you when the world stopped turning?"

Nine years ago our lives were forever changed. It is crazy that time passes so quickly. As I contemplate 9/11 I can't help but to wonder where the families of those who died that day are today. Then, I think of the fallen soldiers that have been fighting for our rights. It is so easy to take our lives and our rights for granted. This is a day that I believe I will always solemnly remember that people continue to fight and perish so I can listen to my favorite radio station or pray to my God.

Growing up, I never believed I would experience something as "big" as 9/11. During elementary school I was prompted to ask the older generations about The Great Depression or Vietnam War. My nieces, nephews, and other children will ask me about 9/11. I will provide them with my story. No one who was alive and old enough to remember will forget where they were on 9/11. The nation's eyes were glued to the news coverage.

It is my prayer that we remember those who lost their lives and continue to do so. I also hope that we will be able to share our story of 9/11 with future generations. This is my plan! Then I will boldly stand and say, "I'm proud to be an American!"

Armor, Flaws, and Testimony

My mind has been going crazy lately. I feel as if I've had more changes than usual in my life. It is crazy. But the three things that have occupied my mind the most are armor, flaws, and testimony.

Armor

I wear so much armor and I can't figure out why I protect myself so much. Honestly, I feel as if I don't let people know the real me. People usually only see the strong Becky, but I am a complete squish. Really, I hate being tenderhearted, but my only other option is to be hardhearted. I feel too much and show my feelings too little. I don't want to keep people out, but I am too scared to really let them in. This really is something I need to work on.

Flaws

I am so flawed. I don't like not being perfect. When I make a mistake, I feel so bad. I am constantly recognizing things I could improve on, but it seems like I do little to improve. This is difficult because I really do try. I know I could be quieter and more tactful, but I fail every time I try to be these things. I really am a shy person, so I don't know why I struggle with these things. Maybe they are part of my armor. I may never know.

Testimony

Don't get me wrong, I know the church is true and I am loved by my Heavenly Father. However, I feel as if my testimony could be so much stronger. I really want to work on strengthening my testimony. Not that it is weak, but I know it could be so much stronger. I have truly felt Heavenly Father's love for me recently. However, I often feel so inadequate and undeserving of such a pure love. This isn't how I should be feeling. It is comforting to know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way. There are multiple examples of prophets feeling the same way in the scriptures. I also know that this isn't the way my Heavenly Father would want me to feel. I really want to become perfect, even as his son Jesus Christ. I know I can, but it isn't such an easy thing to do.

Risks

It seems as if life is simply one big risk. Really, everything we do is a risk. When I drive somewhere I risk wrecking. When I straighten my hair by the sink I risk being electrocuted. When I am honest (or lie) we risk hurting other people. Then there are the risks such as falling in love or putting yourself "out there." It is amazing how nothing in life is certain. There is a quote that I really enjoy that says something to the extent of, "The greatest risk in life is not to take risks." Although I really do love that quote, I don't understand how we cannot not take risks. Yet, risks come is sizes. You could rate them on a scale from one to ten. Straightening my hair is probably a one while dropping out of school would be a seven or eight. But then, what type of risk constitutes a ten. I thought about "single" people issues such as telling a boy you like him, but then I thought, that'd only be a three or four on the risk scale. Sure, it's an emotional risk, but what's the worse that can happen? Exactly, you don't end up with him and you soon find another boy to like. So, if taking risks (and I should specify moral ones) defines an individual to point and is what life is all about, I am curious what a ten would be. I love adrenaline rushes! I even went skydiving last year, but I don't think that would even be a ten. One thought crossed my mind that having the courage to face each new day could be a ten. Life is hard. I think everyone has wanted to give up at some point. You know, when you get to the point where you dread the next day because things could always get worse, but you also look forward to it because it could be a turning point where everything begins to get better. I don't know if I am making any sense to ya'll or myself. I honestly want to live everyday to the fullest, but it seems like in order to do that I have to take bigger risks. It is hard to figure out what type of risks I want to take. I really don't mind the physical risks. The emotional risks are what will get me.